Stressed...

So here is the crazy notion running through my pregnancy-hormone addled brain, keeping me from tolerating work, fun, or anything.

Is it selfish of me to quit my job and go back to school with a baby on the way? Am I depriving my child of financial resources by not wanting to work full time for a big whorish corporation?

At a meeting this week, it was actually suggested that we strive to make ourselves the Starbucks of _______(insert industry here that I will not name so I don't get fired.) So you see my problem. But I make enough money to support a child with plenty of amenities.

Or, would that be setting a horrible example? I can't imagine looking a kid in the eyes, telling them school is important and they should work hard and follow their dreams if I didn't...for more money. Besides, does the world really need another infant yuppie in a 700 dollar stroller wearing designer clothes?

(Not that I'd refuse a Bugaboo Frog if someone gave it to me...)

As a offspring of two people with masters degrees, I can't help but be ashamed that I never finished college. And I don't want my child to feel that way either.

But how selfish is it of me to deprive a baby of resources just because I don't want to be a corporate whore anymore? Sigh. I need the punk mommy version of Tyler Durden to come along and set my priorities in order.

It is spectacularly hard to wrap my brain around this problem. It's similar to the whole stupid 'opt-out' issue that's been all over the feminist and mother blogs since Betty Freidan died, but on a completely different level. I'm not wanting to be a stay-at-home mom, but I still want to combine personal fulfillment (finishing my degree and getting a job in my actual chosen field) and providing for a family.

Should this even be considered a feminist issue? To me, this has nothing to do with being a mother as opposed to just being a parent (gendered vs non-gendered). Or am I just being naive? My husband does not seem to be struck by this dilemma. No one is asking him questions about what he's going to do after the baby comes.

I don't know. Any other mothers out there who had a similar freak-out with their first child? Any other fellow corporate whores feeling the need to break free? Surely I'm not the only one.