Oh My...

My friend and loyal reader Christopher just sent me an email in response to a post from earlier that is worth reprinting in its (near) entirety. In fact, it made me laugh so hard (in the middle of work, even) that my cubicle drew stares.

I realize of course, that my response to your concerns is slightly delayed,
however, I hope that you will take the time to read a little common sense and
perhaps correct your earlier, irrational, inappropriate, propaganda spreading
crap.

First, requiring American’s to be able to determine where a country is on the
map before bombing it, is a lesson in inefficiency. In the fast-paced modern
world of revolutions, counterrevolutions, coups and separatist movements,
countries come and go at lightning speed. The precious time spent trying to
locate a particular country on the map may close the window of opportunity
forever. For example, in the Vietnam war, if the United States military had
taken the time to try and find out where Burma was, they could have ended up
bombing Myanmar. Just think what a diplomatic mess that would have created!

Second, American’s are already required to memorize more information than any
other citizens on the planet. This means that there is relatively little space
available for additional facts, especially when the utility of such information
is minimal at best. Say for example, that I memorize the location of Eyerack.
If two weeks later, the end result is the annihilation of the bloody place, then
that fact becomes completely irrelevant. Valuable brain space has been used up
on out-dated and irrelevant information that could have been used to try and
puzzle out who the father of Rachel’s baby is on Friends. This is bolstered by
additional facts that you left out of the survey in question, while only 13% of
young American’s could find Eyerack, only .04% cared where the country was
anyway. America is a big country, filled with busy, productive citizens. We do
not have time to compartmentalize the rest of the world into nice little regions
and specific areas, let alone give each one of the places a name.

Third, teaching American’s how to read a map often requires teaching them how to
read. The additional money such an ethereal and impossible program would
require can only result in a significant reduction in resources available for
bomb making. America’s bomb making capacity is already less than 154% higher
than any competitor. Furthermore, teaching everyone who might enter the
military to read, could easily lead to mass education and if we are going to
engage in such communist driven, bleeding-heart hand-outs, then Americans have
already lost the war.

Fourth, many countries have crazy and weird sounding names like,
‘Campoocheeah’, ‘Leyebeereeya’, ‘Canuhduh,’ and ‘Noo Meksicoh’. Americans
often feel uncomfortable trying to sort out such foreign sounding devil talk.
To put added pressure on our brave bombadiers, already giving 110% for their
country is in pretty poor taste. Furthermore, recent CIA evidence suggests that
many of these names may contain subliminal messages, greatly endangering any
American mind that is exposed to them. A study, conducted by a very well known
institute, determined that after being asked to examine maps of a certain
‘Tie-Land’, 35% of subjects tested, “felt mildly inclined to purchase neck
ties.” Standard practice follow up questioning determined that an alarming 98%
of the subjects, “lived predominantly on the land.”

Finally, even the briefest glance at our foreign policy demonstrates that
there is no need to find out where particular countries lie on a map.
American’s do not bomb countries because they are somewhere, we bomb them to
demonstrate the superiority of American ideals, ideology and life style.
Statistics show these values are almost completely absent outside the 30 or 40
States. Such a massive threat to our way of life, does not require labeling, it
requires action.


Irate reader,
Christopher


Oh, and in case you couldn't tell, he's being sarcastic.